搞笑吧

　　Bedtime Prayers

　　Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

　　Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

　　And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"


　　睡前祷告词

　　朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”

　　妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”

　　朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”

　　Patience

　　Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?

　　Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.


　　耐 性

　　垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？

　　旁观者：我没那耐性。

　　Skunk

　　"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

　　"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

　　Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

　　"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"


　　臭鼬

　　“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”

　　“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”

　　一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。

　　“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

　　A Smugglar

　　The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

　　"What's in here?" he asked.

　　"Dirt," the driver replied.

　　"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

　　Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

　　A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

　　"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

　　"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

　　Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

　　The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

　　Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."


　　走私犯

　　一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

　　“里面装的是什么？”他问道。

　　“土。”司机回答。

　　“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

　　那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

　　一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。

　　“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。

　　“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

　　哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

　　同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”

　　那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

　　Sleeping Pills

　　Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

　　Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

　　"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

　　安眠药

　　鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

　　星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”

　　“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

　　I'll See to the Rest

　　A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

　　"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

　　"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

　　"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."


　　其余的事由我负责

　　一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。

　　“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”

　　“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。

　　“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”

英语笑话带翻译：Look for a Friend 找朋友

Look for a Friend

Sam is a little fish. He lives in the sea. He is very lonely. He wants to have a friend. The friend looks like him. Sam sees an ink fish. The ink fish has eight legs. He doesn’t look like Sam. So Sam goes away. Sam meets a shark. He wants to say hello to the shark. The shark opens his big mouth. Sam runs away quickly.

Sam is tired and hungry. He wants to have a rest. Then he sees a round fish. She says to him. “Hello! Would you like to be my friend?”

Sam answers: “Of course! But you are round. I am flat.” The round fish days: “But we are both fishes.”

Sam thinks and says, “You are right. Let’s be friends.” They become good friends.

找朋友

塞姆是一条小鱼，他在海里。他生在海里。他很孤独，想要找一个朋友，那个朋友看起来要想他。 塞姆看见一条墨鱼。墨鱼有8条腿，看上去不像塞姆。因此塞姆游走了。塞姆遇见一条鲨鱼。他想跟鲨鱼问好。鲨鱼张开大嘴，塞姆有迅速地逃走了。

塞姆又累又饿，他要休息一会儿。这时他看见一条圆鱼，圆鱼对他说：“你好！你愿意做我的朋友吗？”

塞姆回答：“好哇！可你是圆形的，我是扁的。”圆鱼说：“但是我们俩都是鱼啊！”

塞姆思考后说：“你讲得对，让我们做朋友吧。”他们就成为好朋友了。

英语笑话带翻译：他是大人物吗 Is He Somebody?

Is He Somebody?

Tom: My uncle has 500 men under him.
Jack: He must be very important.
Tom: Not really---he is a maintenance man in a cemetery.

他是大人物吗

汤姆：我叔叔手下有500人。
杰克：他一定是位重要人物啦。
汤姆：并非真的如此－－他在一个墓地上当守墓人。

　　英语笑话：who is my father

　　A child aged seven or eight by the name of Ah Da ran hastily to the police station and told a policeman, "Please come quickly! A man is at my house beating up my father; he is dying!" The policemen therefore rushed to the scene with the child. They indeed saw two men fighting with one another. The policeman said, "Which one is your father?"

　　The child answered, "I also do not know who is my father;that's why they are fighting."

　　中文对照：谁是我的父亲

　　有一个叫阿达的小孩，七、八岁，匆匆的跑到警察局，说：「哎呀！警察，请你们赶快来，有人在我家那边打我爸爸，快打死了！」警察就赶快冲，跟着小孩子跑回来，果然看到有两个男人在那边互相打架。那个警察说：「哪一个是你的爸爸？」

　　小孩说：「我也不知道谁是我爸爸，所以他们两个才打起来。」

英语笑话：Compare-test

Three swordsman, their respective boasted, fencing, each defy spirit decided to have a competition, in fencing flies as fencing goals.

First, the fly sword play swordsman, except for two flies split, all chorus.

The second stage, but saw blade swordsman shine, flies, all four dismembered applauded loudly.

The third time, will fight hand gently lift sword, listen to "zoom" fly, fly, but still they startled puzzled, But he calmly say with smile: "this fly has become a father!" And immediately thunderous applause.

中文翻译：比试

三个剑客不期而遇，各自吹嘘自己剑术高明，互相都不服气，于是决定当众比试一下剑术，以苍蝇作为击剑目标。

第一个剑客上场，对准苍蝇宝剑一挥，只见苍蝇被劈为两半，众人齐声喝彩。

第二个剑客登场，但见剑光闪亮处，苍蝇分尸四段，众人大声叫好。

第三个剑客不慌不忙出场，将手中利剑轻轻一扬，只听“嗖”的一声，苍蝇却依然飞舞，众人愕然不解；但他镇静地笑着说：“这只苍蝇已经当不成父亲了！”，顿时掌声雷动。